There were times when I yearned for more, so much more that the many comforts that surrounded me sometimes went unappreciated. Yes, I thanked God everyday for all that He had blessed me with, it really was an idyllic life. Even though I yearned for more, I knew a part of me enjoyed the routine of life, the predictability of knowing for example that: a salary was coming in every month; that I could buy groceries whenever I needed; that I had a warm place to rest (the heating in my previous cottage did not work); that the cottage was peaceful, a retreat from everything; that the Monday night gym class was booked and though it was tough, it was good for me; that I had God's great favour at work. So a part of me was very happy with the comfort of routine. But another part yearned for more.
I had been involved in quite a number of different activities: running a home/cell group; a ladies day (a day dedicated to ministering to and loving women); street outreaches; prayer ministry, 24/7 prayer etc. Each activity made me come alive in a way nothing else did, all of it gave me such joy. Then there were the daughters that Father God sent to the cottage, to rest, to be healed, to just be. Holy Spirit was in my home, He ministered to me and others in it, He brought peace, tranquility and a quietness of soul. I had dedicated my home to be His dwelling place and it was. Every time I saw Him heal and reveal more of the depth of His love for someone, my joy overflowed. These pockets of ministry time were invaluable to me, I felt such purpose in it. God was changing lives and allowing me to partner with Him to do it. So I prayed, for years, that God would allow me to work with Him to change lives in this way, full time.
So here I am, living out the answer to my prayers, changing lives with God. The many prophetic words about God sending me to the nations being fulfilled (thank you to all who prayed for me and walked alongside me even through the what seemed an interminable wilderness!). So what does it look like here, living my dreams, is the grass greener? There is no cottage, actually no fixed abode; comfy robe, company car or warm, crispy croissant on Saturday mornings (rarely anyway!). I don't have the ability to simply get in the car and go shopping or stop to see the deer. There isn't a monthly salary. I gave away my hiking boots and can't simply walk the Welsh hills on demand. I can't usually go to a supermarket and buy whatever I want or even go to a restaurant, and if I did, I usually need to check the prices first. This life is completely different to the one of routine and routine comforts I used to have. Now each day is different, each day I am being led by Holy Spirit to do what Father God calls me to do. I travel with a suitcase, that holds my shofar, a mixture of summer and winter clothes, shoes, and toiletries. Additionally, I have a small backpack, that is home to the electronic devices, chargers, travel pillow, a handbag and any books I may have.
I didn't make a decision to give up my idyllic life because I thought this would be a good idea. I did it because it was God's idea. There is a difference. I waited for years for God to say, go. I didn't go before He gave me the green light because I knew that going ahead of Him would not be walking in His perfect will. I also knew that following Him brought perfect peace. Within that wilderness that He, in His mercy, took me through, He taught me and tempered me so that I was able to steward that which was to come. Everyday is preparation for the next.
The protection and provision, wisdom and anointing etc. attached to walking in Father God's will (that includes His timing) is absolutely necessary if we are going to fulfill the purposes for which we are called. Going without Him, is like going naked. We are ill equipped to go far because we are exposed to all kinds of things along the way and we have no protection, no covering. Going with Him means you are clothed with His righteousness, through His voice, He will faithfully lead you daily. He will protect you and provision will come when it is meant to come. Does that mean nothing bad will happen or that we won't experience difficulty? No. There are many challenges on this road, sometimes it means facing life and death situations. Life is not in your control. This is what it meant when I said yes to God. When He said go, I said yes. I knew it wasn't all going to be sunshine and roses but little did I know exactly how difficult it would be sometimes. Yes means surrender. Yes, I let go of the reins, I give You, Jesus, control so You can truly be my Lord, I will let You lead me.
For me that meant, giving away my comforts, clothes, shoes, linen, cutlery, crockery, furniture, laptop and other appliances. What I learned from this is that none of these things could actually give me true comfort. They were convenient but they were temporary, in that they were never mine to begin with. I'm not saying having stuff is bad, if the season came for me to have a settled home, I would be absolutely grateful to receive it and all that came with it. But in this process, I have learned that having less means worrying less about the stuff you have. I enjoy not paying bills! I enjoy the freedom of knowing that even when my bank balance is at zero, He will provide all my needs. I have seen God do it, time after time. I've enjoyed the freedom of His surprises, being spoilt with delicious meals; new friendships; seeing new places; wonderful holidays; the freedom from anxiety when I receive money and Holy Spirit tells me to give it all away etc. I enjoy asking for things like shampoo or even a glass of wine and somehow He brings it. Recently the mom of my host family celebrated a milestone birthday. I had a couple of bucks in my bank account, no enough for a gift. So I asked God for money to buy my hostess a birthday present. I asked on a Tuesday and on the Wedsnesday morning, I checked my bank account and the money was there! It wasn't heaps of money but it was sufficient to buy whatever God wanted to bless her with: Holy Spirit showed me to get a particular brand of ground coffee and showed me the card that went with it. I was even able to get a beautiful gift bag to put it all into. When my hostess saw the coffee she said it was one that she really liked! It's really exciting when you don't have something and then in the blink of an eye, you suddenly have it.
You may be asking, going from where I was to where I am now, does any of this feel restrictive? It is easy to get used living from miracle to miracle. Then there are times when God does not provide like He did last time or like He did for the last two months. It feels something like this: you've been hiking through a forest and every night you come across a shelter just in time to rest and then in the morning, there would be a river of fresh water on the way, just as you needed it. Holy Spirit would direct you to food and warmth was from the sun in the day and a fire by night. Then suddenly, you're in the desert. It's dry. It's hot. There's no shade. There are mirages but no oases. You can't stop, you just have to keep going, because all you want is to get to the end. You keep going and going and you're thinking, there is an end right God? This is when it can feel restrictive because I've gotten used to God supplying my needs in a certain way and using me to serve people in a certain manner and then it all changes and you feel ungrounded. But I'm learning that our emotions, although they have their place, when we give in to them, can derail us from the track we're meant to be on, afterall Father God is hardly predictable!
Does this desert style season mean I'm starving or I have nowhere to sleep? No. Father God has always provided a place to sleep, food to eat (maybe not what I wanted but certainly what I needed) and most importantly strength to endure. The desert seasons really provide an opportunity for us to be sifted. Jesus said to Peter, satan has desired to have you that he may sift you like wheat. But I have prayed for you, that your faith would not fail you and when you have been converted strengthen your brothers. Jesus didn't say, how dare you suggest such a thing satan! Jesus didn't say to Peter, I'll rescue you out of satan's hand and he will by no means sift you. Rather, He told us the truth. We will be sifted. The English word sift is based on the Greek word: siniazō, it means by inward agitation to try one's faith to the verge of overthrow. Yikes that sounds unpleasant. It is. When we are outside of our comfort zones, whatever that may be in a particular season (God is not dealing with everything all at once, He is patient with us) and it feels unfamiliar, unpleasant with trials accompanying the season, what do we do, how do we endure sifting? Jesus gave us the answer, He has prayed for us, that our faith would not fail us. God is not testing us to see if we pass or fail. He has equipped us with faith to believe Him no matter what our circumstances, to let your faith fail means to quit believing God...still loves us, still has a plan, still cares, won't leave us...
Sometimes when I am going through a tough time, if choose to listen to Holy Spirit (instead of instantly asking, why me; again; why now; do you actually love me God; why; when will this end; why) I can feel His comfort and tap into the perfect peace that is mine whenever I choose to have it. This enables me to see purpose in the suffering, it doesn't make the suffering pleasant by any means, because through it I am being changed, I am being humbled. My flesh that is crying out for comforts, for stability, for Symonds Yat, is dying. The result is I trust God more, I am more incline to living according to the spirit rather than the flesh. My faith in God is stronger and I have a testimony which God, in His limitless wisdom, has given me so in turn I can strengthen my brothers. One person's victory is for the benefit of the whole body.
Knowing what I know now, would I change my mind, would my previous yes become a no? Emphatically, no. This is the greatest freedom I have tasted, allowing God to be my Father. Though I am already His child, I am learning to relate to Him as His child. I realise I don't have to have all the answers, I don't need a lot to be a lot, I can go anywhere, be anything and do anything He calls me to do, because He is with me and His love for me will never change. Even when are times when I have simply had no understanding, I'm learning to hold on to the truth of Who He is, His unchanging nature anchors me. For example, just a few weeks ago I had no clue why I was still staying with my host family in Toronto. I expected to be with them for just a few days but week after week went by and after continually asking Holy Spirit what my purpose was and where next, and hearing nothing, I did not understand why I was here. God in His mercy spoke to me through a friend far away who had no idea of my predicament. She said, among other things, that the answer was 'on my doorstep'. I appreciated the word and the encouragement but I still didn't have clarity. As a missionary, the mission defines the every day purpose of a season, it gives you a place to plug in. I felt purposeless as I just couldn't see the mission, I was missing it somehow. A week after my friend gave me that word, Holy Spirit shone a light on it and I finally (phew!) had a revelation: my mission, if I chose to accept it (joking), was to serve the family I was being hosted by! The answer was indeed right on my doorstep. That revelation has a taken a huge weight off of me and I thank God for it daily.
Are you thinking, why didn't God show me sooner? He was but I was so convinced that staying at my hosts was a very short term thing enroute somewhere else, I couldn't hear Holy Spirit. Additionally no mission I've ever previously been assigned to had ever looked like this, so it was unfamiliar territory. The only prayer I could pray was: God, please get me out, show me where to go, where can I be of use. No answer. This period of time was far from a waste, God was not allowing me to simply languish in no man's land, even if it felt like He was! It was a fruitful time as God was allowing a fear in me to be exposed - as per my previous blog. After overcoming that fear and the resultant clutter in my mind, I was able to hear God's voice confirming the purpose of my season here, now the joy of serving my host family is overflowing in my heart.
So, daily, I pick up my cross and follow Him. Paul, who was stoned, beaten, jailed, shipwrecked, ridiculed etc. said, so we do not lose heart, though our outer self is wasting away our inner self is being renewed day by day for this light momentary affliction is achieving for us an eternal weight of glory beyond comparison as we look not to the things which are seen but to the things which are unseen. For things that are seen are transient and the things that are unseen are eternal. Those who truly want to follow Jesus, allow Him to be Lord and choose freely what He chooses for us, must know that suffering is part of the journey, not to be despised, not to take us by surprise. It does not mean God does not love us or has abandoned us. It is in suffering that we fellowship most intimtately with our Father and the riches of His presence are truly incomparable.
