So here we were on a Sunday morning in Charleston. Yes, Charleston, South Carolina. Immediately, I think, gosh The Notebook was filmed there right? Cringe. Did I just say that. Okay I'm a hopeless romantic and yes I know it's only a movie. But still. Anyway, to lend to the ambience it was a balmy spring day, I wore my lovely floral dress and had had slightly more sleep than previous nights. I was all set for the modern episcopalians. The worship was wonderful, music I could relate to and therefore lose myself in it with Father God. The teaching was succinct, wonderful, real meat one could sink one's teeth into. There was no waffling, I liked it, a lot. I was even paying attention. All was going well.
Then the kids came back from Sunday school. A little red headed girl ran to her parents sitting a couple of rows ahead of us. Her beautiful burnished, red hair was in a quirky ponytail. She got on the seat next to her dad so excitedly and just snuggled as tightly as she could into his side. Her dad kissed her hair over and over again and she just loved it. I didn't realise I was watching them as intently as I was until tears streamed down my face, no ebb, just a continuous flow. Still I watched them and this little girl stayed with her dad, enjoying him enjoying her. Suddenly, right then, I knew I missed that. Not that I had had that kind of affection with my dad when I was that age, or any age. I do remember once sitting on the couch with my dad, head next to him and he stroked my hair. I'm guessing I was in my twenties. I don't think it was a long time that I lay there but I remember it because it happened just that one time.
I remember another time when my dad was really ill in the hospital. I went to visit him on an afternoon and as I entered his room he put out his hands to me. A genuine affection, not just held in the heart but displayed. That moment will stay with me all my days on earth. A father's embrace is irreplaceable. Even as I write this, I long to have a dad that will kiss my hair, that I will return to bouncing and happy and snuggle into his side, totally trusting that he loves me completely. But reality is, I don't. It doesn't matter how old you are, you will still want it. That pang of lost moments and the heart longing for the sanctuary God designed a dad to be doesn't just disappear.
I've noticed people who have had a really loving dad have a certain sweetness about them. There's something positively hopeful about them, at least, most of the time. They like smiling and they do it often. They are genuinely nice people. I've never seen myself that way, nice and sweet. Yet, I've had some people actually say that to me. They've even accused me of being gentle, loving and kind. Genuinely meaning it. It's sometimes incredulous to me as it is not how I see myself. But I am learning not to look with my earthly eyes but to look with the eyes of the spirit. Because I do have a Father's love. I do have it unconditionally, no matter what I do or don't do, how I dress or how I speak or act. He loves me, always. He's not in a good mood one moment and in a bad mood another, He's unchanging, always excited to spend time with me, delighted in me. I don't have to work for His love and I don't have to wait for him to have a good day to love me. And though right now He isn't a flesh and blood dad, He is real. He is more than flesh and blood. I have access to His love, affection and presence whenever I want. He's not going to change His mind and He isn't going to die.
The more I spend time with Him, the more sweet I become. The more I hang out with Him, the more I snuggle into His side and let Him kiss my face and take pleasure in me, the more secure in Him I am. I'm exposing myself to His radical love. Sometimes its tangible, like a slight pressure in my ear, heat in my hands and feet or on my face. Sometimes it's a tingling. Sometimes it's just incredible peace that settles over me like an invisible cloak. Other times it's great joy. So when I saw that little girl run to her daddy, so trusting, so completely safe with him, even though it tears at my heart not to have a loving dad like that, I know I can run into my heavenly Father's arms and remain for as long as I need to, He's always there, ready to envelope me. He is my safe place and with Him I have complete peace. His love is irreplaceable.
Thank You Abba for loving me so well right into sweetness.
I went up to the dad and mom of that little redheaded sweetheart and though it was hard to speak, I mumbled, thanks for being such great parents. An orphan spirit can be crushed with the love of Father in a father.
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