For me the last two weeks have been quite a revelatory time. The last two years or more have held some intense challenges. But somehow even in the valley of the shadow of death (Psalm 23) I have enjoyed the peace of God that really transcends understanding. What does that look like you may ask,
here are a couple of examples. When I was facing a near death situation earlier this year, I was not at all anxious, my mind was not racing and I had no fear. Even though the situation was life threatening, my heart was at rest as I felt the presence of Holy Spirit very tangibly, it felt like God was carrying me through it all.
Another example, I spent a year or more getting everything ready for my citizenship application and just before my appointment to submit my paperwork, I went from being eligible to apply to being disqualified because a new law was introduced. At first I had no understanding in it and feelings of rejection said, you're not good enough. As I struggled with these feelings, I clung onto God as He had made it clear to me that becoming a citizen was His will. His peace quickly came in and the feelings disappeared. With an uncluttered mind and heart, I was able to hear His voice guiding me through the next step to take and eventually, through many miracles, I was eligible again and able to apply.
I look back and think, those were some tough things to endure but Holy Spirit guided me every step of the way and I was able to navigate stormy waters with His peace. Journeying like this with God for me, means praying - spending time in His presence and allowing Him to love me, to mould my heart to His; hearing - listening for His still, small voice; obeying - doing what He says, not because I have to but because I want to. So I have faith in Him and trust that He does speak, leading me by His Spirit. I therefore act on my faith and do what I hear Him say to do. The thing is though, He doesn't give me all the details in advance. Therefore faith involves risk.
So when I was resting at Alan and Irene's, I was also asking Holy Spirit, what's next? Over time He revealed a destination, Canada, specifically Toronto. I wasn't expecting that. As usual, I asked for confirmation and it came rolling in, even down to the point of when eating my morning oats, I asked Irene for honey and she said, I also have maple syrup if you want it. God has a great sense of humour (Canada is famous for its maple syrup). So I started to pray into it, I called forth by faith, the finances and connections He had for me in Canada to manifest on earth as it is in heaven. As I prayed, Holy Spirit revealed to me that I was to visit a church in Toronto called Catch the Fire. I did ask a few friends if they knew anyone in Toronto I could connect with but even as I asked, I didn't feel comfortable, my peace left me. It was because Holy Spirit wanted me to rely on Him to establish the connections once I got to Toronto. He didn't give me anymore information than: go to Toronto, visit Catch the Fire and book a hotel near the church. What was going to happen when I got there, I had no idea...but I was willing to take the risk.
So it has been two and a half weeks since I arrived in Toronto. The interrogation at immigration was the most intense I've ever endured but despite all the odds, God's will prevailed and I was able to enter Canada. I was praying in those connections I knew, by faith, God had for me. After a few visits to the church, God connected me with a beautiful lady, she came up to me and said, God prompted me to talk to you. We talked for a long while, both sharing a little of our respective journeys with God. As we shared we both realised the divine moment. Before she left, I had an invitation to sit with her and her family for Sunday church. That Sunday she introduced me to some friends of hers and...guess where I've been staying for the past week and a half.
It all sounds idyllic doesn't it? I need a place to stay and this family I just met takes me in. Yet, I have struggled. I expected to be with this lovely family for just a short while, perhaps a couple of days at the most. I expected to bless them with whatever God showed me and be on my way. But day after day passed and I was still there. I felt like a burden. I felt like I was in the way. The enemy fed me lies: I was unwelcome, I could not pay them so I should not be there, I should have some destination to be at, some PLAN. All of this resulted in great turmoil. So I prayed constantly asking God to release me. I knew God did not bring torment like this, I knew He was at work somehow, but knowing that didn't help me because I didn't act on it by trusting Him. I wasn't willing to risk being taken care of by God through others, especially when they didn't know me. I felt like I was relying on man, not God.
Then one day, a friend (who lived in another country) got in touch and said, hey my family live in Toronto, don't you remember I told you about them and if you're ever there, you should go stay with them. Oh what relief, music to my ears, I got the contact details and called. No answer. I called, five times, ten, twenty, maybe fifty times. I left messages. Nothing. My friend even struggled to make contact with her family, until eventually we found out that they were out of town. But earlier on that week, I thought I had heard God say, you're leaving on Friday and I had it confirmed by a friend. So when Friday came, I had my bags packed but still and I could not make contact, I fell into despair. Why is this so hard God?! Why do you have me here? What is my purpose?! The pressure built until...I had a chat to my host, who is very gentle and also wise. He said, there's no rush and maybe this is not a test and God is speaking to you in a different way than what you are used to. I listened attentively, I was desperate for some direction. The revelation came. God did not want me to stay with my friend's family, that is why it was so hard to contact them, even when they were back in town my calls still went unanswered. Striving isn't part of God's plan. I was so desperate to leave, I hadn't bothered to ask God if that offer was from Him or not.
That revelation brought me some peace. I thanked my host and I valued that this family were so gracious towards me as I processed this with God. But I still struggled with feeling like a burden. What was the real issue? Fear. I feared what others (namely my host family) thought of me: that I had no plan; no resources and was taking advantage of their kindness. So I started to pray into overcoming this fear of man. Still day after day passed and Holy Spirit said nothing about the next step or when I would be leaving, not to me and not through others praying for me. After going up for prayer at church one Sunday and a few honest chats with my hosts about what was going on in my heart, I was able to let the fear go. I wasn't unwelcome. I wasn't eating them out of house and home. I wasn't a burden. God was providing their needs and through them providing my needs. It all still came from Him. I had asked Him for a safe place, food and water etc. and He had provided - just not in the way I had expected.
Those days of turmoil had stolen my peace, the peace that usually guards my heart and mind, through Jesus. He said, Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. John 14:27 ESV
Prior to arriving in Canada, I asked Holy Spirit what this season was all about, He simply said, REFRESHING. A few days ago, I had a vision of standing in a river, the water almost to my shoulders. Jesus was standing next to me and had a gleaming silver-like bucket, He used the bucket to drench me, He did it over and over again, we splashed and laughed together. It was refreshing. I have re-entered into His rest. His peace I have again welcomed into my heart and mind. It's ok to not know what is next and, more importantly, it's ok for my host family not to know. But what we do know is that God is in control and is not deaf, blind or uncaring about our situations. He is merciful in all He does, always interested in delivering us from anything that holds us captive. Even today, a friend of mine got in touch to say, 'enjoy the intimacy with Jesus, just enjoy Him and when it's time to go, you'll know'.
Thank you to my host family, for your continual sowing into me, in so many ways, and being patient while God used our initial time together to break bonds of fear and a few boxes. Thank you to each of you who have prayed for me, some of you, daily, walking this right alongside me. We are not meant to live independently or to have it all figured out. When I call upon others to walk alongside me, invite them to speak into my life, trust them enough to confess my thoughts and receive with thanks and humilty what God brings through them, freedom comes. It's God's design of family and it works. And last but not least, thank You Father God for times of refreshing, days of sunshine, rest and delight.
Philippians 4:6-7 ESV:
(The Lord is at hand) do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
No comments:
Post a Comment